Just a little while ago, I had my first profound thought in probably a decade or so. It was really important and probably would’ve changed the course of history as we know it, but the person I was with offered me the last slice of bacon from her plate and I got sidetracked. Though I did remember it a few minutes ago.
But let me back up. Unless you were locked in a basement as the prisoner of a sadistic, wealthy Swedish industrialist, you know that the big piece of news this past weekend was that Tony Heward, the CEO of BP who looks like the bass player in a British prog rock band circa 1983, took his multi-million dollar yacht to a race on the Isle of Wight. It was easy to picture Tony Heyward sipping Campari as he sat on deck, the wind whipping his overly-moussed, blow dried hair as two nubile young women pretended they weren't grossed out by his nose hair and tried to suppress the urge to vomit at the thought of having to sleep with him later on.
People were outraged. And understandably so. But as I've written before, what always amazes me is when people are surprised. And this goes back to my profound thought that was interrupted by breakfast meat. People's politics here in the U.S. can basically be divided into two camps: those who favor the free market, and those who think it needs to be watched. We recoil at the thought of fascism or socialism. We're America! Work hard, get rewarded, have nubile young girlfriends!
I'm convinced, however, that every single economic system just eventually devolves into feudalism. Doesn't matter what it is. Capitalism, socialism, hunter/gatherer societies. Every society becomes very rich people and very poor people. And that's kind of where we're at now. Rich people destroy the economy, and nothing happens. They make money off of healthcare, and nothing happens. They drill holes and turn the ocean into the aquatic equivalent of the borough of Queens, and nothing happens.
But I have the solution. Rather than just be bitter and start watching Bill O'Reilly so that I can witness somebody giving voice to my impotent rage, I've worked out the answer.
We need Bono.
Put him in charge of cleaning up the oil spill. He can fix anything. In fact, we should temporarily change the law that says people need to be born on American soil in order to become President just so Bono can serve two terms. Our coastlines will become pristine. Our economy will become an engine of efficiency. We’ll find Osama bin Laden and put him in a cage somewhere. Everything will be great.
Bono’s already saved Africa and made the Joshua Tree. He’s like the Chuck Norris of international events.
Maybe he can even do something about that goal the U.S. soccer team got robbed of this past Friday.
***********
This week on the podcast, we answer a piece of listener mail that asks whether or not we’re any good at picking up women. The short answer would've been no, but we do manage to drag it out for about twenty minutes. Have a listen for yourself here and at SelfAbsorbed.me, and subscribe in iTunes.
As always, please spread the word and tell your friends and co-workers. And write a review and rate us in iTunes.
Bono would want you to.
But let me back up. Unless you were locked in a basement as the prisoner of a sadistic, wealthy Swedish industrialist, you know that the big piece of news this past weekend was that Tony Heward, the CEO of BP who looks like the bass player in a British prog rock band circa 1983, took his multi-million dollar yacht to a race on the Isle of Wight. It was easy to picture Tony Heyward sipping Campari as he sat on deck, the wind whipping his overly-moussed, blow dried hair as two nubile young women pretended they weren't grossed out by his nose hair and tried to suppress the urge to vomit at the thought of having to sleep with him later on.
People were outraged. And understandably so. But as I've written before, what always amazes me is when people are surprised. And this goes back to my profound thought that was interrupted by breakfast meat. People's politics here in the U.S. can basically be divided into two camps: those who favor the free market, and those who think it needs to be watched. We recoil at the thought of fascism or socialism. We're America! Work hard, get rewarded, have nubile young girlfriends!
I'm convinced, however, that every single economic system just eventually devolves into feudalism. Doesn't matter what it is. Capitalism, socialism, hunter/gatherer societies. Every society becomes very rich people and very poor people. And that's kind of where we're at now. Rich people destroy the economy, and nothing happens. They make money off of healthcare, and nothing happens. They drill holes and turn the ocean into the aquatic equivalent of the borough of Queens, and nothing happens.
But I have the solution. Rather than just be bitter and start watching Bill O'Reilly so that I can witness somebody giving voice to my impotent rage, I've worked out the answer.
We need Bono.
Put him in charge of cleaning up the oil spill. He can fix anything. In fact, we should temporarily change the law that says people need to be born on American soil in order to become President just so Bono can serve two terms. Our coastlines will become pristine. Our economy will become an engine of efficiency. We’ll find Osama bin Laden and put him in a cage somewhere. Everything will be great.
Bono’s already saved Africa and made the Joshua Tree. He’s like the Chuck Norris of international events.
Maybe he can even do something about that goal the U.S. soccer team got robbed of this past Friday.
***********
This week on the podcast, we answer a piece of listener mail that asks whether or not we’re any good at picking up women. The short answer would've been no, but we do manage to drag it out for about twenty minutes. Have a listen for yourself here and at SelfAbsorbed.me, and subscribe in iTunes.
As always, please spread the word and tell your friends and co-workers. And write a review and rate us in iTunes.
Bono would want you to.
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