People dream about coming to New York. From around the world, they fantasize about moving here and making their mark in finance, the arts and other fields. They envision transforming the world with their accomplishments and luxuriating in the riches they deserve.
I would humbly ask that those people please refrain from coming here.
Seriously. It’s nice that your dreams are so grandiose, but give someplace else, like Cleveland, a whirl. We can’t handle any more people here. Think I’m being facetious? Take a walk down Fifth Avenue between noon and 6:00 p.m. Good luck getting anywhere in less than triple the time it should. Between five overweight tourists from Nebraska taking up the entire width of the sidewalk as they gaze rapturously into the windows of the same stores they have back in their hometowns to native New Yorkers walking at a snails’ pace as they send vitally important text messages to their dentists, there’s just no room. Feel like having brunch during normal brunch hours on a weekend? Have fun waiting until dinner time on Tuesday. Want a cupcake at some new place you read about in a magazine three days ago? So does the entire population of the Bronx.
I’m not trying to blame out-of-towners or people with lofty goals. Everybody’s an out-of-towner under some circumstance or another, and ambition is what makes the world go round. But let’s face it. New York has become not so much the city that never sleeps as the city where you can’t cross the street before the light turns red because some tourist from Idaho thinks you’re supposed to not cross during the blinking light in the shape of a hand and you can’t get around him in time.
Why? Because the infrastructure is antiquated. Try getting through the Holland Tunnel in less than an hour. Try not waiting for twenty-five minutes for the G train during any weekday rush hour when it’s raining outside. Try getting from Point A to Point B anywhere in the city on a weekend. The MTA is laughing at you as they randomly create service changes and cancellations. I keep picturing five guys in a room deciding that the F train won’t be making any stops between Bergen Street and 57th Street because there was a commercial break during Two and a Half Men and they got a little bored.
OK, sorry for the grumpiness of this update. I’m now going to go yell at some kids to get off my goddamn lawn.
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In this week’s episode, we announce the winner of the Win a Date with Goldy contest. After weeks of anticipation, you don’t want to miss it. You can stream the show here and at SelfAbsorbed.me, and subscribe in iTunes (http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=353088294).
Thanks for spreading the word about the show to your friends, relatives and coworkers. We don’t get paid to do this show. Making you smile is the only paycheck we need.
I would humbly ask that those people please refrain from coming here.
Seriously. It’s nice that your dreams are so grandiose, but give someplace else, like Cleveland, a whirl. We can’t handle any more people here. Think I’m being facetious? Take a walk down Fifth Avenue between noon and 6:00 p.m. Good luck getting anywhere in less than triple the time it should. Between five overweight tourists from Nebraska taking up the entire width of the sidewalk as they gaze rapturously into the windows of the same stores they have back in their hometowns to native New Yorkers walking at a snails’ pace as they send vitally important text messages to their dentists, there’s just no room. Feel like having brunch during normal brunch hours on a weekend? Have fun waiting until dinner time on Tuesday. Want a cupcake at some new place you read about in a magazine three days ago? So does the entire population of the Bronx.
I’m not trying to blame out-of-towners or people with lofty goals. Everybody’s an out-of-towner under some circumstance or another, and ambition is what makes the world go round. But let’s face it. New York has become not so much the city that never sleeps as the city where you can’t cross the street before the light turns red because some tourist from Idaho thinks you’re supposed to not cross during the blinking light in the shape of a hand and you can’t get around him in time.
Why? Because the infrastructure is antiquated. Try getting through the Holland Tunnel in less than an hour. Try not waiting for twenty-five minutes for the G train during any weekday rush hour when it’s raining outside. Try getting from Point A to Point B anywhere in the city on a weekend. The MTA is laughing at you as they randomly create service changes and cancellations. I keep picturing five guys in a room deciding that the F train won’t be making any stops between Bergen Street and 57th Street because there was a commercial break during Two and a Half Men and they got a little bored.
OK, sorry for the grumpiness of this update. I’m now going to go yell at some kids to get off my goddamn lawn.
***********
In this week’s episode, we announce the winner of the Win a Date with Goldy contest. After weeks of anticipation, you don’t want to miss it. You can stream the show here and at SelfAbsorbed.me, and subscribe in iTunes (http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=353088294).
Thanks for spreading the word about the show to your friends, relatives and coworkers. We don’t get paid to do this show. Making you smile is the only paycheck we need.
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